Restarts

Do you ever find yourself constantly restarting?  Committing to a new practice or habit only to fall off the wagon a few weeks (or even hours) in and then have to start over?  I feel like I am in this perpetual loop of dedication and excitement followed by disappointment and defeat.

Sunday - set the goals for the week (I LOVE this part by the way)

Monday - on track

Tuesday - on track

Wednesday - on track-ish??

Thursday - I'm out

I guess I should be grateful that I have the awareness to notice it all happening.  And that I have the ability to start again, as often as I need to (weekly, apparently).  But it does put a damper on ever feeling a sense of accomplishment, or to honoring commitments I make to myself.

It's not that I am incapable of "finishing the job."  I've done a lot of hard things over the years that I'm quite proud of.  Started running at 35.  First half marathon at 40.  Started yoga at 40 and teacher training at 47.  I've navigated divorce.  And I'm navigating (still) a ready-made family.  But it seems once I'm nudged off even the simplest of goals (journal three pages a day), I practically dive off the track and tell myself I can restart next Monday.

If I really think about what throws me off, it's often a moment where I allow something to hijack my emotions.

A messy kitchen

The dog

Unexpected plans

The dog

Too much noise

The dog (duh)

My focus then shifts to food, wine, laziness, or just plain old ruminating.  None of which are helpful.  All of which make me feel bad about myself.

And why am I waiting until Monday to restart?  So I can wallow for the next 3-5 days?  I will admit, there is some sort of sick pleasure in giving myself permission to be lazy, eat whatever I want, and drink wine because I just know next week will be the week I finally nail it.  But following this pattern week after week really messes with my confidence. So here is what I think may help moving forward.

I need to make the practice/habit a non-negotiable.  Write it on my calendar.  Treat it like something essential...like drinking water.  Or going to yoga :)

I need to disrupt the emotional hijack by shutting myself in the closet alone and shaking my entire body to release the negative energy.  And then take 10 deep breaths to reset before I reappear.

And I need to stop the gluttonous wallowing while waiting for a Monday.  I can restart anytime.  I can only imagine how impactful it would be to my spirit to take aligned action on a Wednesday at 7:47pm.  Or a Friday at 11:33am.  How revolutionary!

I'm committed to committing.

Side note:  I have started a blog twice before in the past 15 years, only to make one entry both times and never publish them.  Stay tuned...